Poppy Smith- Is your plate full because you can't say no?

Poppy is an author of 9 books,  Blogs on abuse, anxiety and encouragement, life coach and international speaker.
poppysmith.com

Poppy Smith on Facebook 

Poppy Smith: Helping Women Flourish Facebook Group

Poppy Smith on YouTube

Are you one of those gals who take on too much?
I know I have been.  
Poppy is teaching a workshop on how to say no.

Are you at an age where you need to start thinking about the possibility of living alone?
Poppy has a new series available on Facebook to discuss practical applications for your future.

Subscribe to the Women of the Northwest podcast for inspiring stories and adventures.
Find me on my website: jan-johnson.com

Transcript

SPEAKERS

Jan Johnson, Poppy Smith

Jan Johnson  00:10

Hello, listeners. Here we are for another episode of women of the Northwest, where I had the pleasure of interviewing women who are extraordinary and motivating and compelling us to greater and bigger things. Today I get to interview Poppy Smith. Think about this. Are you one of those gals who take on too much? That would be me. Yeah, guilty. Poppy Smith is teaching a workshop on how to say no. And maybe you're not the one of those that does too much. But you're at an age where you need to start thinking about the possibility of living alone. Hmm, what would it take to live alone? Do you know where all the files and passwords are? Do you know where everything's kept? And well, let's listen to Poppy Smith. She's got some great information for us. She's an author of nine books. She blogs on abuse, anxiety and encouragement and she's a life coach and international speaker. So let's hear what she's got to say. Well, hello, Poppy Smith. So nice to be here in your home to do this interview. I'm looking forward to all the things you have to share with our listeners today.

Poppy Smith  01:36

Thank you, Jan, I'm looking forward to those Well,

Jan Johnson  01:40

it's funny how paths lead from a one person to somebody else that knows somebody else. And all these amazing women that I get to interview. I'm privileged to be here with you. Tell me you started out. We grew up in England.

Poppy Smith  01:55

Well, actually, I grew up in England, Sri Lanka, Singapore, and Nairobi, Kenya, and then came to America, because your parents, my father was in the British Air Force, Air Force my parents like living overseas. And so did I and do I. So you have friends from all over the world? Well, I don't know about that. Later in life, we went to live in Singapore. My husband was working there. And then I made adult friends. But I didn't really have any friends from childhood. Okay, because we just moved all the time.

Jan Johnson  02:32

So that was interesting. So you were you were British, which you were ending up in all different places. That's, that's an interesting life. It's like, I was sending the Coast Guard, and he's traveling all over the place just moved from Columbia. And he in fact, just had a baby this morning, who's excited about welcoming to the world, little William. That's his middle name. I don't know about us. First thing. We haven't decided yet. But anyway, very excited about that. So then you were in Kenya and my your husband, what were you doing there in Kenya?

Poppy Smith  03:10

Well, I went to Kenya, in my late teens, and work there as a secretary for different Africans. And then the end worked for one of the agencies of the United Nations. And so I was working there, I had just become a Christian, and went to a little British church. And a couple of years later in walks this huge, man, I didn't know he was an American, but I'd never seen any British man so big. He was six foot five. And two years later, we got married, and I ended up coming to America.

Jan Johnson  03:51

Okay. And so your husband was studying for what? But

Poppy Smith  03:56

at the time, he was a qualified peace, he was qualified doctor had finished his internship. And then it was a time of Vietnam. So he ended up in the Peace Corps as a doctor looking after Peace Corps volunteers. Oh, I see. So he was not a volunteer. He had a paid position.

Jan Johnson  04:16

Yeah, and well needed, much needed position as well. So we're in the United States. Did you end up?

Poppy Smith  04:23

Well, my husband is from Iowa. He was raised on a dairy farm, okay. And he actually was veterinarian for a few years before he went to medical school. So I didn't meet him till later till he's already finished his training as a doctor.

Jan Johnson  04:41

That's an interesting switch from both medical but what he was familiar with to begin with, yeah, yeah. So what kind of doctor is he now?

Poppy Smith  04:55

Well, he's retired from full time practice, but he does a lot of faculty Training and overseas in other countries, he was an ear, nose and throat surgeon.

Jan Johnson  05:05

How was that for you to be married? fairly young. That time, which everybody did back in rd. How was that for you going to the United States where it was a whole nother new environment? How did that work for you?

Poppy Smith  05:22

Well, I hadn't thought about it very much. It was also exciting at the time. And then I realized my husband had such demands on his time that he was gone. I was alone. Most of the time, most of the days, nights weekends, and his five years of training, and I grew very angry and very bitter. I felt I had made a terrible mistake. Because I had no family. No one who related to me, no friends. I didn't understand the American culture. I knew nothing about baseball. I couldn't understand why they had football where people were, you know, covered in all these clothes and ran here and there and then went on the field and then ran off. And I just hadn't seen anything like it. So I felt like I was totally lost.

Jan Johnson  06:13

Yeah, yeah. And so how did you deal with that? What did what did you do?

Poppy Smith  06:18

cried. cried a lot of stuff. got angry a lot. You know, I think when you're going through depression, and I was young and didn't understand these things, you flip from anger to depression. And I look back, and I see a lot of that, because you feel so helpless and hopeless. And I felt I felt I wanted to run away. But I really didn't feel I could do that. I had no grounds for doing that. My husband was just having to work those hours. But I felt abandoned. Right?

Jan Johnson  06:56

Yeah. And lonely, very lonely, very lonely. And at that time, there was not the internet, there. Were not social entities, no Facebook, anything to be able to research things or even to get on the internet to research groups or

Poppy Smith  07:14

no. No, so no, I think another element was my husband's older than me. We came from two different worlds. He was raised on a farm in Iowa and from the Midwest. I was raised globally. Yeah, I'm from a British culture as American culture. We just didn't understand each other. And I, like I said, I just felt that made a terrible mistake.

Jan Johnson  07:45

How did? How did you work that through that with your husband?

Poppy Smith  07:50

It's taken us decades. As I was mentioned to you, I wrote this book, Why can't he be more like me, because every chapter I deal with some issue where we differ. And I have a real heart for women who hurt in their marriages. Maybe they're not married to somebody who's horrible or abusive, but someone who doesn't seem to understand them. There's personality differences, different views on money, different views on raising children, many sorts of things from our culture, upbringing. So for me, we eventually moved back moved to Oregon. And a friend invited me to an organization that turned me around, it was called Bible Study Fellowship. And I was in that for 12 years. And I, I found I became a different person, I no longer was bitter and angry and filling my mind with all the negative. And I found that I just, I just realized this was a place to grow emotionally and spiritually, in every way. And from that, I, my ministry path led to speaking and counseling women in many countries, over 20 countries over many years, and then writing books and so on. Yeah.

Jan Johnson  09:21

Yeah. I bet once you started into that, maybe your husband saw a difference in you as well.

Poppy Smith  09:28

I hope so. I think so. He too, has has made some changes that were needed for compatibility.

Jan Johnson  09:40

And then you have some children.

Poppy Smith  09:41

Yes, we have two children. We have a daughter, and three years later a son, okay. And they were sweet little children. God knew I couldn't cope with any more stress. But I was I was not the greatest mother and I was dealing with so much emotional struggle and calm flecked. As I said, I raged between well raged I flipped between anger, irritability, impatience, and depression. I felt hopeless and helpless. Yeah, but bit by bit. God encouraged me through people what they said through what I was reading through what I was hearing and studying, and started to look at myself. I talked to one pastor one time and they said, don't you think God can change your husband? And I said, No. But as I write in my book, because I tell this story, I said he was too polite to say, don't you think God could change you? Because that was that was my responsibility. But yeah, that's all we can do as ourselves. I couldn't change salary change him. But as I changed myself, I was changed in my attitudes and my verbs of words, in my moods, bit by bit, things worked out, but we're still very different. We still have to work out compromising.

Jan Johnson  11:09

How many years? Have you been married? Over 50? Over 50? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I a marriage is not easy. And I think he go into it with I don't there's just things that you don't know that you don't know. He has a time when Absolutely. A farm. I was like, oh, that sounds like fun. And then you realize you're half hour away from anything. And you're kind of isolated. And I didn't know anybody there. When we got married. I had three, my first kids from my first marriage. And then he had two natural to adopted. And then we had three more. So my goodness, that was a challenge. But I know what a challenge it was. I don't got into it. I'm not sorry that I did. It was rough. Yeah. Combining and stuff kids back together. And he was here and yeah, pecking order really? Was Yeah. Yeah. And kudos to my husband for making it through. Because I had some difficult children as well. So yeah, it's a it's a trial. things to learn. I think, though, as we're on the other side of that, that we do have opportunity to share what we know. Yeah, younger people and mentor.

Poppy Smith  12:34

Yeah, like I said, I really, I, I feel so attuned to women who struggle? Well, I, how do I get to a healthy place of well being. And one of the things I learned years ago as predominantly speaking for many years, was that you get invited to something or we get invited to a task, whatever it is. And we look at the top ninth 10/10 of the iceberg. What we don't see is the nine tenths, it's submerged in the preparation and the time involved, going here, going there doing this doing that. So when you're asked to be on a committee, or you're asked to help in some way, you need to say, wait a minute, it's not just turning up once a week or once a month, right? It is all the stuff that is not seen that I have to take care of. So we need priorities. And we need to be ruthless and say no. In a polite and kind way. But just to say I'm sorry, I can't add that. Right now.

Jan Johnson  13:38

I was directed high school theater for 10 years. And my kids, my youngest daughter was saying just recently Yeah, remember when you did that, like everybody knew the last three days before the show that just don't be around her. She's gonna be around like crazy. And she's gonna be cranky and snapping at everybody. And then the show will go and everything. Yeah, because you do affect those around you. Stress and too many things

Poppy Smith  14:14

go well, and you also affect your health. I mean, because you're not sleeping. Well. You're anxious. You know, you're not getting any exercise. You're not getting the quiet time the solitude to refresh and be replenished. Yeah. Which is so important. Oh, absolutely. We can't go on without it. Yeah, but we think we

Jan Johnson  14:33

are you need to do that. And I think part of you think to the part of taking on a lot of things. I think there's a couple of reasons. One is people who take on a lot of things. See, nobody else is doing that thing that needs to be done. And so you go, Oh, yeah, I can do that too. And you throw that out. But I think the other thing is it kind of becomes at a certain point your identity. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And when it's your identity you have have to stop and think Is that why am I doing that? Why am I getting myself? Yes? To do that? Do I need to have that validation all the time? Or is it because I just know I can do it? And that's okay. Yes or No, I'm okay. If I say no, yeah. Because what does it say? No means? Then you're letting somebody down? And is it okay to let them down? Or is it?

Poppy Smith  15:25

Yeah, I have a whole list of those things that, you know, why, what are the reasons? And certainly, self examination, which goes part with my, you know, I was certified spiritual director, and I love to, to wrap the unmute, so to speak, when I'm doing one on one with people, you know, we, is this really where you feel God's called you to be? Or are there other reasons for doing it? And you know, what is your identity? It's not in what you do, right? Because when things go, then who are you? But the other thing is, when you say yes to everything? Oh, no. I mean, when you say no, you're actually saying yes to higher priorities, which might be taking care of your one body. We don't get, we can get replacements along the way, these and hips and eyes and all the rest of your photos, but that were given one time around one body, and I think we need to honor it more than we tend to.

Jan Johnson  16:28

Yeah, yeah. Agreed. That's it. And now you're doing branching out one more little section. Let's see talk about living life alone.

Poppy Smith  16:40

Right, right. Well, what I was involved with a ministry for women recovering from domestic abuse, a weekly commitment. And I chose to step out of that I'd been involved for a couple of years. So I started to pare away things and trying to get more focused. And year ago, I started thinking about if my husband, as I said, is older than me, although he thinks genetically he will survive me. If He's superior. We have a good joke about that. But anyway, should I outlive him? Do I know how to handle likely events? Well, one never knows. But anyway, you know, do I know what to do with our as I investments, our bank accounts, our legal stuff, health wise? Do we both have HIPAA for each other? So if one gets really ill, the other can have access? There's so many things anyway, I felt led to are several women who I knew who 60 Plus in groups that I do online, I said, How would you like to meet once a month and talk about being prepared? If it happens? Yeah. And so we did. We have been meeting for the year, once a month on a Wednesday morning. And we we talk about being prepared and all those ways, and we go into detail on different meetings. Yeah, lots of different things we share with each other. It's really a sharing, supporting because I'm more of a facilitator. And several people in the group have been through a lot of this. I haven't read but I know you're learning a lot. I certainly am. So when I sent out the first document, I said, this is how I see where we need to go. We need to talk about preparation, because even though preparation doesn't take the take the shock away when you miss a sudden loss, right? At least you don't have the panic of what do I do? Right? So never

Jan Johnson  18:42

because sometimes don't do bill. No, no, no. No know how to do or they don't know what exactly,

Poppy Smith  18:48

exactly, yes, yeah, we talk about all that. And then this. So I've done three pieces, one of my teaching treasures speaking training. The second P is people who are the people in your life who will support you? Do you have a community group, church group family? Are you estranged from family? Do you need to stop building bridges with children that are estranged from or others, but who are the people who are going to be there for you because you need it? And then the third thing is purpose. Why are you here? You've got to have a sense of I am here and my life does have purpose and meaning and significance. Right? Yeah, even as we age. And I love it. The verse in Second Corinthians four where Paul talks about even though the outer person is decaying, the inner person is renewed. And that's how I hope I go through life where yes, my outer person is most definitely. But I hope my inner person as long as I still have my mind functioning is going to continue to be developed and useful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to say if anybody is interested Didn't there? It is a free group. It's a monthly online zoom group. And I know you'll give the links for that.

Jan Johnson  20:07

Yeah, yeah. So we will also have that you've written seven books. Is this going to be another book?

Poppy Smith  20:14

I haven't thought about it like that. I think there's a lot of material out there already. Yeah, I haven't. I haven't got that far. I do think I might make it a Facebook group. But I know that eliminate some people. Yeah. But it would be a good place to exchange information. Whatever is helpful to people in this category,

Jan Johnson  20:36

expands you. On your website. You also have a blog blog.

Poppy Smith  20:40

Yes, yes. I write articles to help women grow spiritually, emotionally and personally. So you know, expanding your life and recognizing your gifting spiritual issues, because sometimes, life is hard. Yeah, we'll know it. And I think when you get over 60, you can even start saying, Where is God? You know, when we age when we lose someone we love loss is a big part of life. So spiritually, and then emotionally, because how we handle our emotions and our thought life, can tear us down or build us up. Right? So those that's my heart, that's my passion.

Jan Johnson  21:22

And you also have a YouTube channel. Yes,

Poppy Smith  21:25

I need to do more videos. And I need my younger friend who, who does more techie stuff than me. That's one area that holds me back. I know all the things I could do. But then I sit down and think, yes, but how to hire people. But yes, I'm hiring. Yes, yeah. But I do have a dangerous trade. But I am now moving into coaching, which is simply supporting and helping women discern where are they going, dealing with issues in their life? You know, they had one client recently who was at a certain agent needs to decide where she was going to live for the next year. So what was her goal? What was she hoping to experience in the year she has left and helping her make some hard decisions and looking at hard choices? Sometimes we need somebody outside the family who is neutral, see some Yes. And who will objectively Yeah, who will walk with you and support you? So that's what I'm doing?

Jan Johnson  22:33

Yeah, yeah. And so a lot of your things you do on zoom as well. Yes. Available? Yeah. It doesn't matter where you live, to be able to access those things.

Poppy Smith  22:42

Yes. Yeah. Most of what I do right now is on Zoom. Yeah,

Jan Johnson  22:46

isn't that it's the one good thing that came out of COVID. Right.

Poppy Smith  22:50

It's been a marvelous thing if

Jan Johnson  22:54

you hate it, but you love it. Because

Poppy Smith  22:56

Oh, I just think is terrific. Because it allows you to socialize, which is another big issue for women. As they face life alone, you must not isolate it leads to depression. You have got to make yourself get out and be with people. But Zoom is is a second

Jan Johnson  23:13

second death. Yeah. And what you just said that's just goes all the way through life when you first marriage, and when you are moving someplace or a new job or whatever. You don't have your you know, and I think you just have to start sometimes you have to be proactive and different. Yes.

Poppy Smith  23:31

Yeah, I've lived to be I have a talk on that too. Yeah, sometimes you just have to do it, because everybody else is standing back thinking, Well, why didn't you approach me? Right? I'm more thinking, You know what, you need to just do it. You say hello, be friendly. Even suggest would you like to ask for coffee? And you know, if somebody doesn't like you, well, so be it,

Jan Johnson  23:53

then you move on to something else. There's other people and at least you've made that you don't know who you're gonna affect by saying hi to that first step. There. You know, me just sitting back just hoping to have somebody.

Poppy Smith  24:06

Yes, absolutely. Loneliness is huge. And it's very, very devastating to us emotionally and in every way. Right. And I think when you're over 60, particularly, you've got to do something about it. Because life is enhanced by friendship and loving companionship to do things together.

Jan Johnson  24:27

Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, Papi, this has been great. Thank you so much. I'll put links in the show notes to all of your information and ways people can meet you get your books, listen to me, or other things, your YouTubes and be able to read your blogs and one more you just started an interesting guest. Thank you so much.

Poppy Smith  24:51

Thank you appreciate doing it.

Jan Johnson  24:55

Thank you again for listening everyone. I hope you enjoyed this episode. You can always find more information on my website Jan dash johnson.com. There's links to the show notes there and also a link to transcripts if you'd rather read it or like to have a copy of this and I hope you'll join us again next week. And I want to just give a shout out to Ann and Sandy, thank you for giving us a brand new grandson. We are so excited. Have a great week, everybody